Mad Mom - 6
by Karen Moline

This month I'm so mad my son doesn't even bother asking me if I'm mad!

I'm mad because Darwin is now considered a freak by those who subscribe to the notion of "intelligent design" aka "moronic unraveling of the truth." Yes, decades after the Scopes trial, fundamentalist Christians brainwashed by Bible thumpers are convinced, as usual, that their way is the only was -- so much so that they want to put stickers in biology textbooks (if not rewrite them completely) saying the Darwin's theory of evolution is "unproven." And that, instead, they know with irrefutable certainly that the world was created exactly when the Bible said it was, after they figured out all the who-begat-whoms. Which means the fact that dinosaurs roamed the earth hundreds of millions of years ago and the carbon dating that proves it is all a crock and has no right to be taught, much less exist. (This anomaly is explained away as being somehow "compressed" by God's will as He created all the world in a mere seven consecutive days.) It means that all civilizations which have been pre-dated to the Christian bible do not exist. It means that common sense does not exist. Oh, for the love of sweet petunias, these fundamentalists made me so mad I could just scream!

Speaking of screaming, yet another reason to get really mad is that pathetic excuse for a human being otherwise known as Tom Cruise. Now, I've never been one of those Tom Cruise fans who fell for that boyish smile and those gleaming bicuspids. He always struck me as nothing more than yet another pretty boy with the brains of a basenji and the personality of a prickly pear. If he chose to believe in a "religion" like Scientology, predicated on the belief that space aliens came to Earth, well, you go for it, Tom. Yes, I'm sure all our souls have been invaded by invisible spirits called "Thetans" by the alien emperor, Xenu. Thank you so much for sharing.

But no, Tom just can't keep his lips zipped. Tom is sooooo sure, like the aforementioned fundamentalists, that his religion is the only True Religion, so he's gone bonkers telling everyone about the purity of his beloved Thetans. And that all drugs meant to help anyone with mental illness are bad, bad, bad! It's a well-known fact that Scientologists are vehemently anti-anything smacking of psychology or psychiatry. And with good reason -- any competent shrink would tell these Scientologists that they're all seriously insane.

Here's exactly what Tom said when he savaged Brooke Shields after she was brave enough to write a memoir, Down Came the Rain , chronicling the nearly lethal postpartum depression she suffered and how she eventually treated it with the antidepressant Paxil. "These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off them," claimed Saint Tom. "When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things."

Yep, he ought to know! First off, he's a man and wouldn't have a clue what female hormonal shifts feel like. Second, he's never had biological children so I'd like to know what first-hand experience with postpartum depression he's endured. Third, he's an idiot who makes me really mad. Doubtless Tom has spent all his free time in between making millions playing jerks in crap movies indulging himself in years of secret medical training for the sole reason of saving women suffering from postpartum depression and mental illness with his special bottles of Scientology vitamins! What a breakthrough! Page me Dr. Nobel, pronto!

''Tom Cruise's comments are irresponsible and dangerous,'' Brooke tartly said in reply. ''Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them.''

But Tom wasn't content just to go off on Paxil. (Truth be told, Paxil can be a problem drug for some, but that's not the point. In Brooke's case, it's the drug that saved her sanity.) He had to go off on Brooke's talent, too. ''I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented women," Tom went on, "but look at where her career has gone.''  

That Brooke is currently starring in the hit revival of the musical Chicago in London 's West End obviously isn't a good career move. (I'd like to see Tom do live theater -- yeah, that would be worth the price of admission, if only to heckle him with a Mad Mom tirade the minute he opened his mouth.) But it clearly isn't as important as Tom saving the planet all over again in that soon-to-be-peerless contribution to world peace called Mission Impossible III.

"If he wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets -- one adult, one child,'' Brooke said, with a clever snipe at Tom's new squeeze, the malleable, I'm-a-Catholic-oh-scratch-that-I'm-studying-Scientology Katie Holmes.

You rock, Brooke. You wimp out, Katie. As for Tom, you really, really, really make me MAD!

MAD MOMENT OF THE MONTH

While I'm still foaming at the lips due to Tom Cruise's seriously deranged motor-mouth, I'm mad beyond all madness that we live in a society that elevates pond scum like Tom to a position of "stardom" solely on the strength of those gleaming white choppers and a very specific talent for pretending to be something he's not. If we worshipped teachers, scientists, engineers, plumbers, and those kind souls whose job it is to pick up our trash, instead of actors and sport stars, what a wonderful world that would be. But we don't, and it isn't, and I doubt that it ever will be.

Hollywood hype machine, and the mindless fans who fuel it, you make me MAD!

MAD QUESTION OF THE MONTH

Dear Mad Mom:

My baby is only three months old, and so she wakes up every few hours for a feeding. I don't mind at all, because I love her so much. Besides, that's what babies do. But because my sleep is so broken up, I've started to have some vivid daydreams when I'm in that sort of twilight zone of zonking out when I'm feeding her. To my horror, I've started thinking about having an affair with a movie star. You know, someone like Tom Cruise! I love my husband, and I don't even like Tom Cruise. I can't stand it anymore, so please help!

Signed,
Sleep Deprived

Dear Sleep Deprived:

This is one of the worst nightmare a new mom can endure -- sleep deprivation plus Tom Cruise! I suggest you paste photos of Tom all over your house. Your conscious brain will soon become so sick of his leering mug that your subconscious will do everything possible to erase him from your memory.